Let’s talk about Sophie

Having reached a point of no return regarding her fraud and debt Sandra had no option but to leave. This she did in the summer of 2002. She had prepared the kids for it and took the coward’s way out by leaving Adam to break the news to me. The cowardly and ignorant approach Adam, Stephanie and Sophie have currently adopted.

We were getting along ok until her arrest and that’s when things became extremely bitter and angry. Sophie then became the pawn in her quest for vengeance. I was working in Aberdeen by now and Sandra used this to tie me down to seeing Sophie once, and if I was lucky, twice per week. Every Sunday morning though I would voluntarily picked Sophie up and take her to her horse riding, without fail. Had I not taken her she’d never had ridden a horse. Sandra certainly wouldn't have driven into a farm and waited for her. That didn’t matter though as she continued her abuse of Sophie and her control of myself. It cost me £9000 in solicitor fees to see Sophie.

Sandra use a common approach used in alienation through separation. She would make sure Sophie was under the impression the blame lay with me.  I was sitting in the car with Sophie at one point and she said to me, 'Mum left because you had an affair'. That's not true. I did eventually meet someone and no we weren't divorced at the time. I met someone 10 years after I suspect Sandra had her first affair, 6 years after her second affair and 1 year after her affair with her work colleague. So no, our marriage didn't end due to a perfectly good and honest relationship with a woman who, unlike Sandra, knew honesty. Our marriage didn't even end due to Sandra's affairs as can be read here.

Sophie was nine at this time.

It was also apparent Sophie was showing signs of unwarranted fear. She was frightened to do anything that may be construed by her mum as bad, or that would get her mum's disapproval. I would pick her up and take her back home. I would ask her if she wanted to go to the cinema, or go on the boats in the park, anything that she would enjoy. She could never answer. She would mutter 'I don't know', no enthusiasm. So we wouldn't go. Then I asked her to ask her mum is she could go. And when I picked her up she was excited and keen to go places. Sandra was knocking any fun from her. Adam had a similar fear of his mum, not related to the divorce, more of her tyrannical nature. Hence he grew to hate her.

These are examples of alienating behaviours are common in divorce and separation and alienation is not gender specific. Mums like Sandra though are aware and use the fact that the courts favour heavily the mother, ignoring the mental health and wellbeing of the child.

"These behaviours can include negative attitudes, communications and beliefs that denigrate, demean, vilify, malign, ridicule or dismiss the child’s other parent. It includes conveying false beliefs or stories to, and withholding positive information from, the child about the other parent, together with the relative absence of observable positive attitudes and behaviours.” (Johnston and Sullivan, 2020). 

“Alienating behaviours can also include spurning, terrorising, isolating, corrupting, or exploiting, and not responding appropriately to the child’s emotional needs. These tactics can foster a false belief that the parent who has been subject to the alienating behaviour is dangerous or unworthy. Children may adapt their own behaviours and feelings to the alienating parent to ensure that their attachment needs are met.” (Baker, 2010).

Sandra was ruining a perfectly good relationship between father and daughter. A relationship that had always been good. This was different from my experience with Stephanie. With Sophie, Sandra was actively ruining a perfect father daughter relationship. With Stephanie the alienation was an ongoing pattern of negative attitudes and communication with the sole intention of undermining and destroy our relationship, a pattern that begun before Stephanie had reached one year old. A pattern Adam has admitted he witnessed. A pattern still ongoing.

I once saw 'parental alienation' referred to as 'domestic abduction'. No matter what, it is without a doubt emotional abuse aimed at two parties, the child and the parent.

And I'm an example of the affect it can have if allowed to carry on for years.

I'd also like to point out here that, although I was providing funding to Sandra on behalf of Adam, Stephanie and Sophie, she felt it prudent to use the Child Support Agency, now The Child Maintenance Service, an organisation responsible for driving 20% of UK suicides. See here.

The following is a letter I was forced to write to Sandra. It also concerns Adam.