Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is defined as a condition, usually occurring in divorce, separation and child contact issues. It is the destruction of a relationship between parent and child. The child or children ally themselves strongly with one parent (the preferred parent) and rejects the relationship with the other parent (the alienated parent) without legitimate justification.

It involves a set of coercive and controlling behaviours by one parent that lead to a child emotionally cutting off from a “good enough” parent who poses no safeguarding risk to them. It is a form of domestic abuse involving the psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards the targeted parent and/or their other family members.

Ref: paawareness.co.uk/parental-alienation/

There is no formal definition of Parental Alienation in law but Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass) recognise it is an existing condition and define it as “when a child’s resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified and is the result of psychological manipulation by the other parent”.

Ref: fnf.org

“I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful. It distorts the relationship of the child not only with the parent but with the outside world. Children who are suborned into flouting court orders are given extremely damaging messages about the extent to which authority can be disregarded and given the impression that compliance with adult expectations is optional.
Parents who obstruct a relationship with the other parent are inflicting untold damage on their children and it is, in my view, that professionals truly understood this.”

A quote by The Honourable Lady Justice Parker, High Court Family Division, taken from https://parentalalienationuk.info

My Experience of Alienation

Although I experienced Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) during our divorce, with Sandra’s attempted destruction of my perfectly good relationship with Sophie, my experience from around mid to late 1988 through to late 2001 involving Sandra’s destruction of my relationship with Stephanie was a much more difficult experience to deal with due to the prolonged nature of the abuse. I cite 2001 as it was the last time I heard the words ‘Never mind, we’ll get you a new dad’. The reality is it never ended and the consequences are ongoing and downright malevolent as I am currently experiencing.

I’d like to point out now that this emotional abuse wasn’t purely targeted at me. This was also an abuse of Stephanie and Sophie, and Adam, who recently conceded to me that he is aware it happened and aware Stephanie was being brought up by his mother to hate me. The damage done is longstanding and grievous.

It all started shortly after Stephanie was born. Adam was one year old and a few months. It was apparent they were both to become a gun against my head should Sandra and myself have a difference. I would be told she would leave and I would never see Adam and Stephanie again. These differences could be very petty. If I parked the car a space too far from the supermarket entrance I would lose my kids. That threat actually occurred in a Tesco car park. If I washed our dishes after tea and left them to drip rather than dry them with a towel an argument would ensue and I would lose my kids. It was constant. Every chance she had she would tell me I would lose my kids. She was using Adam, Stephanie and Sophie to control me by threatening to take them away.

Rather than having kids with Sandra, I’d have been as well giving her a pistol and asking her to shoot me in the head. I’d never have had the misery she put me through with my kids.

No matter how often I remonstrated with her the coercion continued. I actually found the following note under Stephanie’s pillow one evening. She would have been around eleven years old at the time.

As Adam and Stephanie grew older and were able to understand she would make a point, in their presence, of telling me I would never see them again, making sure they were aware of what she was saying. Eventually most of her efforts went into Stephanie, who was an obvious target, given the traditional mother and daughter bond. As they got older Sandra changed her tactics from telling me ‘you’ll never see the kids again’ to telling them ‘we’ll get you a new dad’. By this time Sophie was around and would also become used and therefore a target of the abuse.

The main subject though would be Stephanie. Any differences myself and Sandra had would be followed by Sandra taking Stephanie away, her arm wrapped around her, mouthing this and that to her. At home she would take her to another room; outside, shopping or wherever, she would walk away with her, mouthing in her ear.

This went on for years, the constant abuse of myself, Adam, Stephanie and Sophie. ‘We’ll get you a new dad’ was a constant in my life. I doubt even now any of them realise the abuse was targeted at themselves as well. Sandra was well aware of what she was she doing. As mentioned, from the recent conversation I had with Adam he has become aware of what was happening, admitting he was aware it happened. As a child though, it became the norm, given the consistency of his mum’s tactics.

The last time I heard the ‘new dad’ phrase was September 2001. That’s right, I put up with it from 1988 until 2001. We were on holiday in Menorca and I hired a small car to drive around the Island. Driving along the road on a very warm and sunny day Sandra suddenly announced to us all that Adam, Stephanie and Sophie would be getting a new dad when we all arrived home. That’s right, we were on a family holiday and she decided to throw her emotional abuse at us when we were supposed to be enjoying ourselves. Ironically they didn’t get a new dad when we got home as she had much more on her plate to deal with. As you’ll read elsewhere, she had theft, debt, lying and cheating to deal with at home.

There is no doubt she wasn’t only abusing me but also her three loving kids.

What Sandra was doing was abusing her own children to satisfy her own thirst for vengeance, illustrated perfectly with the following shocking story.

In 2002 Sandra was arrested for fraud. I’ve written about it in my main story. (link) Her arrest was the catalyst for her not talking to me again along with further abuse. Given her affairs, theft and debt we were actually still talking up until her arrest. The following is also written about in the main story but it’s important to talk about it here as the subject of this chapter is alienation and emotional abuse. I was in the shop in Invergowrie when, as I was leaving I bumped into Stephanie and Sophie. Stephanie hadn’t been talking to me, due to the influence of her mum. I stopped to talk and Stephanie walked away. I put my hand on her shoulder but she continued on her way. When she returned home she told her mum she bumped into me in the shop. This was an opportunity for Sandra who asked her if I had touched her. The police then arrived at my door and charged me with assault. We all ended up in court, Sandra forcing her 9 and 14 year old daughters to testify. What an experience to put your daughters through. You might have the view that I could have admitted an assault to save them the trauma but I wasn’t admitting to something I didn’t do. The sheriff also had my viewpoint when I returned to court six months later, his disgust obvious. Sandra used her two daughters for revenge. She had absolutely no care or consideration for them.

And so here we are and the abuse has started all over again. Not that it ever stopped as Sandra will always use emotional abuse when myself and her kids are involved. I watched it over the twenty years we were married and the twenty plus years since we split up. I saw it, mainly through Adam when he lived with me. Adam was unaware of what was happening, he was a teenager then a working lad and then a grown man with a girlfriend and a house. I watched the damage in him, in his moods and I can still see it now. But the abuse has never stopped and it has never been more apparent than now.

Yes, it has started again, with the use of a newborn. My grandson. I’m writing this on Monday 4^th December 2023 and my grandson was born in January 2023. 11 months ago. I still haven’t been introduced to him. I’m still the victim of the abuse and now, along with Adam, Stephanie and Sophie, so is my grandson a victim. Stephanie’s son. And all with the approval of Adam and Sophie.

That’s right Adam, Stephanie and Sophie, initially the victims of Sandra’s emotional abuse, along with myself, have now become the abusers. But that’s only to be expected, given they were nurtured that way by a mum not good enough to bring them up with morals. A mum who brought Stephanie up to hate.

I’d like to say a word about Adam here. He’s not angry at me, nor his mum. He’s angry at the hold his mum and sisters have over him. It’s not a conscious thing but he knows if he puts a step wrong and sides with the wrong person he will lose his sisters. He fears they will turn their backs on him. I had that fear for years and had to step on eggshells around them all. And then in 2021 I slipped up, as can be seen here (LINK). Adam knows he can’t afford to slip up. They were all brought up watching fallouts. Sandra’s family don’t talk to one another. They watched Sandra’s parents stop talking to me for some reason, until they needed something from me. Of the seven cousins they have there are only three they talk to. Well I think they still do. They watched their mum fall out with so many close friends. Adam knows the risk is there. I’ve spoken at length to two counsellors about the situation and the conclusion is always the same. What they witnessed with their mum and her family over many years is how they are themselves. Yes, Adam fears losing his sisters.

Whereas I promoted a healthy relationship between Adam and his mum when, at 18 years old he came to me telling me he hated her, Sandra has always been happy fostering animosity between myself and our kids and in particular Stephanie.

So currently I have had no contact with my grandchild. Also remember they have all turned their back on their own grandparents. Loving grandparents who gave them and their mum lots. Stephanie has absolutely no reason to shun them, preventing them from meeting their great grandson. They haven’t acknowledged their grandparents for two years, shocking considering they are well aware their grandfather is being given end of life care in a nursing home. Adam did come to see them in June but only after my brother had a word with him. He’s since been back three times, as of 14/12/2023. But he’s in the huff again, another illustration of the damage done.

Let’s be clear here, there is no safeguarding issue, no reason for the prevention of contact with my grandson. This is pure malice and bad feeling instigated over years by a mother full of bitterness.

This is also the removal of a relationship and the right of a child and his right to a healthy, safe relationship with his immediate and extended family members, all of whom inform and shape his identity, providing warmth, positive life experiences, often regular care, and additional security. Let’s hope a liar, thief and cheat doesn’t have too much say in shaping his identity.

THIS IS SHEER BADNESS

Parents like Sandra who obstruct a relationship with the other parent are inflicting untold damage on their children.

Adam, Stephanie and Sophie have all been damaged by the coercive and controlling behaviour of a mother who cared not about the welfare and mental health of her own children but about her own lust for vengeance, using her children for her own selfish satisfaction. The process has started again with Stephanie now doing the same. A warning, by the way, to Stephanie’s partner (Chris), should their relationship falter (let’s hope not for their son’s sake) and also to Chris’s immediate family. Adam, Stephanie and Sophie have been brought up to believe disengaging from friends and family at the first sign of conflict is the correct thing to do, without thinking of the wider consequences. There are always painful consequences and in our case things are very painful, as I am experiencing at the moment.

I can already see the effect it is having on Adam’s mental health. He has admitted to me he knows his mum has a compulsion to lie and that she brought Stephanie up to hate me and is an extremely bitter woman. Now he is under the influence of Sandra, Stephanie and Sophie, knowing should he empathise with me they will disengage with him. He’s always known that, as he has told me in the past he would much rather have a mother and father at least able to acknowledge one another. The sticking point though is a mother so bitter and vengeful that she would rather her own children suffer the mental anguish of choosing a parent to side with.

Why?

Having broached the fact that Sandra is a very bitter woman I would like to voice my opinion on why this may be, taking into account a person is a product of their upbringing and past experiences and also Alienators like Sandra have been created through experiences in their life, typically their childhood.

Sandra’s father didn’t like me, as you can read in the memoirs. This led to conversations between myself and Sandra about her father. At one point she told me that as a punishment he would make Sandra and her siblings kneel on marbles, a punishment he himself endured as a prisoner of the Japanese during the Second World War. I’m pretty sure he suffered from PTSD, confirmed by Adam in a conversation with me. One of Sandra’s sisters also told her boyfriend of the time about the punishment, though mentioning beads rather than marbles. This also makes me question what else may have gone on behind closed doors during her childhood.

Sandra also told me of an incident involving her father and one of her uncles, a brother to her mother. Sandra’s father had punched him in an argument on their front lawn, Sandra witnessing the incident, possibly along with at least one of her siblings. Her father was arrested and spent a night in a cell at the main police station. Sandra never told me the reason behind the incident and I never asked. We hadn’t been going out long.

In the mid to late nineties, well into our marriage, an Uncle to Sandra and one of her mother’s brothers was arrested and imprisoned for abusing young girls. A man who would have had easy access to his sister’s three pretty young girls. I may be adding 2+2 here and getting 5 but piecing it all together leads me to question certain aspects of Sandra’s childhood, especially given her sociopathic tendencies.

To compound this there was one physical aspect to Sandra that only I would know during our time together. I would doubt she’s spoken to anyone else about it. I won’t add to her embarrassment by mentioning it as it is highly personal but we did talk about it and I never received a satisfactory answer regarding the problem she has. Finding out about her uncle led to more questions I never wanted to asked. 2+2=???

By this time I knew Sandra extremely well and her grooming of Stephanie was well under way. I’m no psychologist but, given her own experiences as a child, even only at the hands of her father and discounting any assumptions, was she protecting Stephanie from me? Even though I was no threat to Stephanie and was never was a threat to any of my kids. In fact the threat was, arguably, always Sandra.

Let’s talk about Sophie

Having reached a point of no return regarding her fraud and debt Sandra had no option but to leave. This she did in the summer of 2002. She had prepared the kids for it and took the coward’s way out by leaving Adam to break the news to me.

We were getting along ok until her arrest and that’s when things became extremely bitter and angry. Sophie then became the pawn in her quest for vengeance. I was working in Aberdeen by now and Sandra used this to tie me down to seeing Sophie once, sometimes twice per week. Every Sunday morning though I voluntarily picked Sophie up and took her to her horse riding, without fail. Had I not taken her she’d never had ridden a horse. That didn’t matter though as she continued her abuse of Sophie and her control of myself. It cost me £9000 in solicitor fees to see Sophie. I won’t write much more regarding Sophie as I was forced to write the following letter to Sandra which says it all.